I was born into Catholicism: baptized and everything. I wasn't strictly raised into the religion like many of my friends. I knew we celebrated Christmas, but I just thought it was a time where we got presents: kids don't really care what the meaning behind it is. I grew up through elementary school and sixth grade identifying myself as a Catholic because that is what was expected of me from one side of the family. This side was all Catholic: extended members and everything, it never really occurred to me that I could be anything but what I was raised until later in my life. It's not that I was forced; not at all in fact, I just wanted to make one of my parents happy. I grew up with parents who were polar opposites: one catholic, one atheist. If it wasn't for my other parent, I don't think I would have developed the secular traits that have become such a big part of my life today, but more about that later. From the beginning, religion was a stress on me. The doctrine never really made since, and I felt that if I abandoned it: the family would abandon me. Now, that would have never been the case, but being young makes you feel certain ways about leaving what has been normal in your life. It was hard for me to feel like I was a Catholic: I never understood what it meant, and God was only a thing I would pray to when I was sad or when I wanted some girl to like me (Dear lord, I'm a pathetic white boy in America: help me please.) Eventually I got confused and hurt whenever I felt like God didn't care about me, let alone the rest of the world. I figured with all the darkness in the world: there couldn't really be a good deity, so I choose to believe in a different one.
In the last parts of sixth grade (yeah, I know, it's early: I was a very contemplative child) I started to read the writings of H.P Lovecraft like scripture. I loved the mythos: it was cool, and it spoke to my sense that the world was kind of a horrible place. I eventually chose to follow the Cult of Cthulhu like a religion because it made sense to me. It was unusual, different, weird, and it fostered the adolescent part of my psyche that made the whole world look depressing. When I look back on that awkward, hateful kid I was: I guess the overall lack of friends led to my hatred for human beings. I wanted something to believe in that was an antithesis of what it meant to be human: an opposite to make me feel better about not having connections with the world around me. At home, I was (to my knowledge) a somewhat normal child with some quirks, but Jr. High can be hell for a child. I loathed having t go to a place where I felt like I didn't belong. The Cult taught me to resent my humanity, and I ate it up: being as anti-social as I was. It wasn't until 8th grade, when I discovered a few more friends that I began to shift towards a secular lifestyle.
It happened fast for me, as these things tended to result from epiphany rather than a gradual onset of ideology. I decided to be a Buddhist first as I discovered more about myself and the world. I generally believed that there was probably some deity out there controlling things, but it wasn't affecting the world. I started to live a calmer lifestyle as I became social with a small group of friends who I now consider to be the people who helped me discover what I was. I did have friends before that, but they didn't attend my school, and we normally never discussed our personal beliefs in depth. I felt comfortable around the few friends I had in 8th grade, one in particular fostered my confusion with religions. I can't really remember how it happened: one day I just decided to be done with it. Religion confused and hurt me, and I thought it was ridiculous, so I just decided that it really wasn't worth destroying my life over.
My life hasn't been fantastic since I lost religion, nor has it been completely miserable: life has just been life. The thing that comforted me most in times of sorrow was the fact that I was living a life where I didn't rely on religion to keep me comfortable. In a way, I felt like I was stronger without it. I didn't have to lean on this religious crutch to be happy anymore, my joy came from within. It was never really strange for me to adjust to either: it felt more liberating than anything I had ever done with my life. Today, of course, I live a very comforting life without a religion: thoughts are clear, and answers are always there. I am very actively involved with my beliefs now, and I have never for a second regretted my decision. I don't think I could have had as much of an appreciation for life if I wasn't without religion. I actively live every day of my life with an appreciation of nature, and the fact that I am alive because death is so final to my belief system. I could go on forever about the merits of atheism, and how my character has been vastly improved by it, but that is a post for another time.
With my best regards,
~Sir Atheist Esq.
